2004-01-17 10:34:41 UTC
possibile. A renderla parzialmente IT in questo NG sono le interessanti
riflessioni sui problemi inerenti all'adattamento del testo. Enjoy!]
MY REVIEW OF HOBBIT-MAN "THE RETURN OF THE KING"
Whenever cool movie series get to the third movie they suck dicks like
they're trying to become Emperor of Dicksuck-ylvania. George Lucas had Star
Wars, and then Empire Kicks Ass, and then all of a sudden it's Planet of
Furry Faggoty Fuckheads. Then he had to make two more to feed the Suck Demon
that was holding his children hostage, and those movies went beyond gay to
where they're paying old people to take a dump on them.
Even this summer, with MATRIX: SUDDENLY GAY and TERMINATOR: I LOVE COCK, the
Rule of the Suck-y Third Movie got re-proven. If the third X-Men movie had
come out this summer it probably would have been some crippled crock of crap
where Wheelchair Charlie traps Fuck Yeah Wolverine in an illusion mind-trap
where Wolverine thinks he's a time traveler from a hundred years ago
romancing Meg Ryan in right-now New York. Of course, the X-Men movie would
try to redeem itself in the third act by having Wolverine realize it's a
mind-illusion and cut Meg's head off and play dodgeball with it, but it
would be too late and here comes my extra large Sprite at the screen.
But guess what? One movie series turned that rule on its head. One 3-movie
series said, "Wait a minute, we're going to make the 3rd movie SO tits it
will make the FIRST two movies look gay."
I just saw HOBBIT-MAN: THE KING RETURNS and that's the movie I was talking
about in the last paragraph. This movie will make you forget that if you
stick a knife in your belly you'll bleed to death so do not bring a knife to
It's also, thank fucking God, LOUD. Even if you bring an iPod so you can
listen to VH during the Elf parts you'll take it off because I swear to
fucking Roth you do NOT know where the next big bang is going to come from,
or when something big is going to crunch someone's skull while you picture
that person getting their skull crushed is really your neighbor upstairs
that plays Dido all day or that dude at the Starbucks who's always reading
and looking all smart.
Oh yeah, the movie is also 3 hours and 20 minutes, and I think it's almost
four hours if you sit through all the credits (it was all pencil sketches of
the characters, which I think means they ran out of money). So if you bring
some chick who's all like, "I have a spinning class tomorrow" or "I'm
thirsty" tell her to go home and watch Gay Dudes and the Straight Guy
because this movie takes fucking commitment. I saw the one dude in front of
me who was with this girl, and the President of Warner Brothers came out and
said, "This movie is three hours and twenty minutes," and before I could
say, "So what, gaylord" the chick says to the dude she's with that she has
to GO. And he LET her go because this movie kicks so much ass you can SENSE
it even before it starts. And this chick was a stone fox, and he probably
could have made out with her, but he was like, "I'm going make out with this
movie," that's how good it is. See ya, hottie.
This movie starts with the origin of Golem - that creepy guy who looks like
Iggy Pop and wears Tarzan pants and wants the invisible-ring. He's still on
a quest with the two hobbits - Rudy from the film RUDY and Fredo - to throw
the ring into a volcano (this is like a serious version of JOE VERSUS THE
VOLCANO). The ring is also evil but you keep thinking, while you watch it,
that someone should put it on and check out some boobs. I have a feeling
those scenes will be in the DVDs.
At the same time, the two other midget-men and the giant hippies have
seriously fucked up that one evil guy's tower (he was Count Duke in Star
Wars: Every Cock in the Universe Up My Ass Part II), and they hook back up
with Magneto, and also that chick with the bow and arrows and finally the
Giant Midget with the Axe. Oh, and also that I Don't Want to be the King/I
Am Destined to Be the King Dude is with them, and he has this whole other
story where he pretty much decides to be the King because, I mean, pussy for
miles. This is where I started getting really confused, though, because they
start talking about kingdoms and alliances and there's a lot of lines like,
"Rohan shall ride!" and "Gondor still stands!" and "Flabadan Son of Rectum
must wear the mantle of Bloggith!" and also there's some shit with the elves
that's like being in a fucking candle store for twenty minutes.
But the movie is only doing this to set up the BATTLE OF SHIT-YOUR-PANTS,
which isn't the actual name of the battle but SHOULD be because you will
shit stuff you did not eat when you see it.
It all has to do with the fact that one of the midget-men takes this orb
from the bad guy and he looks into it and sees the glowy eye's plan (or part
of it - something about a tree dying and Enya music playing). So he and
Magneto go to this huge white city where the king is being a dick and just
eating dinner while every puke-ugly bad-ass on the planet starts surrounding
it, ready to open a Wal-Mart that only sells ball-stomp. There's this one
medium-sized battle in a city that is like the last line of defense for the
Big-Ass White City and it's pretty cool, with a lot of head-crunching and
these huge flying bat demon things that I swear to God grab horses and the
dudes riding them and fuck them up from the floor up. They're really loud,
too, and a lot of chicks and older people were covering their ears.
Meanwhile, Rudy and Fredo and Golem are getting closer to the volcano, and
Golem makes Fredo hate Rudy, and then tricks Fredo into a cave where there's
a giant spider and FUCK that was really scary because even in real life
giant spiders are bad news.
Someone told me that all of the spider stuff actually happens in the second
book in the series, and that they had to tweak some of the stuff that
happens in the books to make the movies work. You know what? Good. Books
suck. They used to be good back when people didn't have movies and TV and
dressed like Davey Crockett. People also used to ride horses and drink tea,
but now we have cars and Sprite. Move the fuck on. Peter Jackson did an
amazing job adapting these books, and now the movies are so kick-ass that
some people are going to go back and READ the books, which wouldn't have
happened if he'd just filmed the books exactly as they are. Happy now,
Let me give you an example of how NOT to make books into movies:
This summer a huge bucket of farts came out called LEAGUE OF ADVENTURE
GENTLEMEN. It was about how a bunch of characters from old-timey books got
together and fucked up bad guys. And NO ONE SAW IT. Why?
First, they picked a bunch of characters like Invisible Man and Mr. Hyde and
Dracula-Woman and Huck Finn. These are all characters from books that were
written five hundred years ago. Huck Finn was actually written before
writing. These are the kind of books they make you read in summer school but
you're all like, "Fuck you, I'm going to play Sonic on my Sega" and you
totally complete all the levels by August. So who the fuck is going to go
see a movie about characters and people they've never heard of (the movie
acts like you're supposed to know who these people are)? Like I said before,
MOVIES are the new books, so how about this for a movie (I even thought of a
TEAM 1970'S FOOT-TO-ASSERS
The movie opens: A cult killer tries to assassinate Chauncey Gardiner, the
President of the United States. Before the brainwashed assassin dies he
gasps the word, "Cyrus" and takes a poison pill.
Senator John "Bluto" Blutarsky forms a super-team to infiltrate New York and
take down the "Cyrus" cult. This team is made up of "Bruce" (from ENTER THE
DRAGON), "Dirty" Harry Callahan, a now-teenaged Regan MacNeill (who is a
stone boner machine and also has devil powers), "Quint" from JAWS, who's
upper torso washed ashore after the shark attacked him, and who has now been
made bionic by Oscar Goldman and OSI, and finally Beau "The Bandit"
Durville, who's driving his Trans Am.
They enter New York with the Bandit driving like a fucking maniac, and Dirty
Harry shooting people out the window and Regan making people's heads explode
and shit. Wow!
They get to the center of the Cyrus Cult headquarters in the middle of
Central Park and confront Cyrus. He's controlling his subjects with a
glowing Chevy Malibu. Bruce goes totally Jackie Chan on everyone while Harry
and the Bandit battle their way to the car. Quint dies bringing down all the
cult killers, and they drive off with the Malibu. They also find out that
Cyrus was trained by the Parallax Corporation.
Back at the White House, they get their next assignment. They must take down
the Parallax Corporation, which is being run by Gregory Marmalarde. They are
creating an Army of brainwashed super-killers at their facility at Crystal
Lake. These new killers are indestructible and a step above the cult killers
of Cyrus. For this phase of the mission they are joined by CIA agent Vincent
J. Ricardo (from THE IN-LAWS) and off they go.
They blast their way into Parallax Headquarters, only to find their way
blocked by the new generation of super-killers : hockey-mask wearing
motherfuckers who have all undergone the "Vorhees treatment". Bruce and
Regan take on the killers, while Harry and Vincent go for Marmalarde. That's
when he reveals his newest, greatest killer - New York taxi driver Travis
Bickle, who's undergone the "Vorhees treatment" and is a virtual arsenal of
different guns, knives - all of which appear from his wrists, chest, even
eyes. Bickle killed Marmalarde's frat brother Douglas Neidermeyer in
Vietnam. Harry dies fighting Bickle, but not before killing Marmalarde.
Ricardo searches the Parallax files, only to find that Parallax is only a
tiny part of a much bigger, much more evil power - the Thorne Corporation,
run by Damien Thorne. He has a huge facility in the Nevada desert, near Area
Their final mission is to deliver the Chevy Malibu to Area 51. The Chevy
contains a weapon which can defeat Thorne's final plan.
Thorne's compound is patrolled and protected by driverless trucks from DUEL
and a bunch of those devil limousines from THE CAR. Two teams are sent in -
The Bandit, driving his Trans Am with Regan and Bruce, and another driver
named "Kowalski", who will drive the Malibu along with Ricardo.
They battle their way through the devil trucks and demon limos until they
penetrate Thorne's headquarters. He's got every character from every
boring-ass indie film in the last twenty years strapped to posts in this
huge chamber full of leather-y ALIEN eggs. The eggs are hatching and putting
face huggers on the douche bags from WALKING AND TALKING and SEX, LIES AND
VIDEOTAPES and CHASING AMY and everyone from every Henry Jaglom film ever
made and killing them.
There's nothing anyone can do - they have to stand and watch while all of
these characters are slowly and horrible killed before our eyes, and they
hatch into Aliens. That's when "Kowalski" opens the trunk of the Malibu to
reveal: ROY NEARY, JR. This is the half-human/half-alien offspring of Roy
Neary from CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE THIRD KIND and he starts going outer
space whup-ass on the aliens along with Bruce Lee. The Bandit looks at the
camera, winks, and smiles. (There can be a lot of shots during the closing
credits of The Bandit cracking up).
Ricardo and Regan work their way to Thorne's headquarters where there's this
huge demon battle between Regan MacNeill and Damien Thorne that will make
the audience go, "We need new words for 'HOLY FUCKING SHIT'".
See? Use characters from movies thirty years ago, instead of from books five
hundred years ago. And by the way, that's only using characters from 70s
films. I also have plans for an 80s team of ass-kickers and a 90s team.
Everyone who was into movies from before 1969 is dead, and we'd actually
better hurry with the 70s thing, now that I think of it. Also, I totally
copy-wrote this with the Writer's Society, and I also know a 400 pound man
who will man-rape anyone who makes this movie without me.
Okay, back to HOBBIT-MAN, although at this point it's just wall-to-wall
awesome. The Battle for the White Mountain City has trolls and elephants and
catapults and a battering ram that looks like a dragon head on fire. Also,
earlier Gandalf scares off the flying bats-things with his glowing staff. In
the battle for the White Mountain City Gandalf just runs around giving
orders. How about turning the bad guys into babies or something with his
staff? But that would actually cut down on the ass-kicking so, actually,
The I Don't Want to Be The King Guy gets a bunch of ghost warriors to fight,
and that's just awesome when it happens, and also the elf chick with the bow
takes down an elephant all by herself, and the Giant Midget keeps killing
people with his axe.
Then when THAT battle's over and you're thinking, "Just air comes out when I
spooge now" they stage a whole OTHER battle at Evil Town to distract the
orks so Golem and Rudy and Fredo can get to the volcano. And I won't reveal
what happens in the volcano except to say it involves Fredo and Rudy getting
right to the very edge, but at the last second Fredo turns evil and decides
not to throw the ring in, and
puts it on instead so he turns invisible, buy Iggy shows up and bites off
Fredo's finger and Iggy falls with the ring into the lava and Evil Town is
completely destroyed. You will have to find out the rest for yourselves. I
You can totally leave at this point but there's an extra half hour of
everyone relaxing and going home and being happy and I guess they put that
in so you can realize your pants are choked with poop from all the battle
scenes, so thanks.